this is a long one (for me)

i hate insomnia. it doesn't hit very often, but when it does, boy is it annoying. tonight is especially bad, because i was very very tired at work today. so i went to bed early. silly me, i thought this would help. well, beth was still up working on a book, and whaddya know, when she came into the room i was juuuuuuust falling asleep. i was asleep, but just in that first stage where it's easy to be woken up again. guess what happened. yeah. that was over an hour ago, and i'm still wide awake.

so hopefully i won't get fired tomorrow for sleeping on the job.

so, while i'm here and i have your undivided attention (yes, you) i would like to pose a nifty little theological question that has been keeping me up at night. (not like insomnia, just making it hard for my brain to slow down enough to sleep)

NOTE - I SAY THEOLOGICAL, BUT IT'S ALSO SOMEWHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL, SO ANYONE AT ALL WHO READS THIS, PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS, RELIGIOUS OR NO.

present day Christian teaching (at least protestant, can't say for sure about catholicism) and sermons and whatnot focus mainly on 'being saved.' or 'taking Jesus as your Lord and Savior,' or a host of other phrases that mean basically the same thing "admitting you suck and asking God to forgive you and help you be better." might be an oversimplification, but that's the basics. that's all you really hear about in church these days (other than the latest offering drive... which, don't get me wrong, i agree with tithes and giving money to the church and charities in general. not saying this is wrong, just making an observation). i kinda think this stems from paul saying "by grace you have been saved, through faith; it is a gift of God, and not through works, that none should boast."
--DISCLAIMER: forgive me if i misquote slightly, i don't actually have a bible in front of me, these passages are from memory. i know the main point is right, but i may mess up a few words.--
which is where luther got his 'by faith alone.' and thus lutheranism, and the whole of protestantism worldwide. yay.
personally, though, i can't help but constantly be reminded of Jesus' parable of the sheep and the goats. "I was hungry and you fed me, I was naked and you clothed me" and all that. this illustration makes it sound much more like the things we do are what include us in or exclude us from salvation.
because the bible also says "faith without works is dead." and "i will show you my faith by my works." so, personally, i think luther was kind of an idiot. ok yes brilliant theologian in some ways, but really ready to overlook things he didn't like in my opinion. anyway, back on topic...
we are obviously, and quite bluntly, told that to say 'i believe' or 'Jesus is my savior' or 'i've allowed God into my heart' and to think that means we're 'saved' is complete nonsense. unless we have something to show for it. i've been reading (or listening to, as the case may be) an awful lot of C.S.Lewis recently, and he talks quite a bit about christians putting their faith into practice in whatever it happens to be that they do. that for a 'christian society' we need christian economists to do their best on wall street, christian lawmakers to work toward passing laws that are good and just and not wasteful, christian grocers to be honest and fair in pricing, whatever a christian happens to do, he or she should be applying their faith to that to make the outcome of their job better. this is, of course, in addition to making ourselves better. (not gonna go into this more here, if it doesn't make sense, i suggest reading Mere Christianity)
i've been reading all this, thinking about this, pondering this as pertaining to me. and i find that i am a useless, self-centered, whining, lazy, slothful, utterly worthless wretch. i give to the church and charity, but barely the minimum 10% God asks. i serve on the board of trustees at my church, but that basically means sit down with people once a month and decide the obvious: "that needs fixing" or "we should put salt on the sidewalk in winter so that people don't fall" and the like. i don't do anything outside of church that can be pointed to and called 'christian.' i have friends in africa working to translate the bible - wait, no.. .working to create written languages for languages that have previously been spoken only... THEN as if giving whole languages the power of the written word wasn't enough, translating the bible into those languages. i have another friend who spent last summer and now this summer working for a charity that builds houses and fixes houses and a slew of other construction jobs for those in need. people from my church a few months back went to new orleans, where they're STILL rebuilding after katrina and spent a week helping 2 families rebuild their homes. i could go on. and i sit here on my butt surfing the internet for fun games, or reading the news and thinking 'wow that sucks' or watching tv. i used to be really smart. brilliant actually (not trying to boast here, it's true). and what do i do with that? be lazy in school, don't finish in 4 years, and have banks want their money back so now i can't even finish my degree, because i didn't care enough to work hard and use what i had. i used to be really, REALLY in shape. not now. for various reasons, now my left knee, my back, and my left wrist all hurt continually - could this have been avoided if i had kept myself fit? possibly, with a leaning toward probably. i love music. i play guitar. sometimes. usually now i'm too lazy to do that and it just sits on its stand in the studio. i've always wanted to write a book, but i'm too lazy to even start. what good am i? what decent expectation do i deserve to have about continuing to live, let alone expect to go to a place of reward and comfort when i die?

EDIT: maybe now i understand why calvin came up with what he did. it's a whole lot easier.